Can you guess why this jewelry store closed

The owners of this jewelry store -- pardon me, FORMER jewelry store -- needed help. They needed a writer/proofreader/editor. They needed me: "The Message Therapist!"

I gently work the kinks out of disjointed messages and align thoughts so that they flow more smoothly.

I'm like a chiropractor of communication, but I don't make you come back week after week, year after year. We work on your project until you're feeling great, then we're done.

Spelling and grammar are lost arts. For example: Go to Google.com and search for "message therapy." I once found 4,590,000 Internet pages with those words in the text. Virtually all of them -- except for the links to this site about writing, proofreading and editing -- have to do with MASSAGE therapy. You know, backrubs.

"Hesser College offers a message therapy program which is designed to prepare students for entry-level positions in the field of massage therapy."

Finding typos is a "gift." It's not that I'm smarter than everyone else; nor do I take some creepy delight in finding other people's mistakes.

The truth is I read with difficulty. When words are omitted or misspelled, it hits me immediately. If sentences aren't clear to me, my brain freezes until I figure out what was meant.

I'm like a canary in a coal mine. I keel over when I'm gassed by decomposing compositions.

This gift used to be annoying. Now it is an asset. I have learned to take skronked writing and transform it into a message that is easily understood, while retaining each author's original intent, content, and style.

Typos jump out at me. It's spooky! Here's an example from a Yellow Pages ad for BellSouth Mobility:

Do you see the section with the bold, red numbers listing the area code? Looks great, huh?

Too bad the phone number is wrong. Yup. BellSouth listed the wrong area code for their own company in their own phone book! Can you imagine how much business they lost when -- for an entire YEAR -- potential customers dialed area code 707, instead of the correct 770?

Do yourself a favor. Let me double-check your copy before you waste your time and money sending potential clients off into the ozone.

On December 20, 2005, I received this e-mail. As Dave Barry would say, "I swear I am not making this up."

------- Original Message --------
Subject: BellSouth Messed Up Our Yellow Pages Ad !
From: [company name deleted]
Date: Tue, December 20, 2005 6:38 pm

Have you received your new Bellsouth YellowPages Book yet?

Please note that the phone number in our ad is WRONG!!!!!

That's right, BellSouth didn't call [us] for help and should have realized that
"The Wrong Temporary Help Is No Help At All!"

Please use our correct phone number:

Thank you!

[company deleted]
Athens, GA 30601

Proofreading requires a professional, not dabblers who guess at what is meant. I think the people at that particular company would agree.

I still wonder who answered "their" number that year. It could have been ugly, don't you think?

Then, take my "Quick Grammar Quiz." It's the best way to understand the essence of Message Therapy.

Solomon said, "Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed." You'll succeed when you consult with The Message Therapist.

Trust me, Grasshopper, I understand that no one can proofread his or her own wrok.